Hard to believe that it’s that time of year again. I imagine you’re traveling or prepping your turkey for the big day. So what better way to add to the upcoming festivities than to share my annual (and I’m sure much anticipated) review of the absolute biggest turkeys of 2014 so here goes:
9. Recep Tayyip Erdogan, President of Turkey. What better way to start than by naming a huge turkey who also happens to be the leader of a country called Turkey? I can’t believe I got so lucky this year, but thanks to Mr. Erdogan I have the honor of adding him to the list. And this guy is a turkey in every sense of the word. He is a pathetic Putin wanna be who is taking his once moderate Muslim country back to the days of the Ottoman Empire little by little. Fortunately for my annual list (but sadly for the rest of the world), I expect to see him again next year.
8. Marin County Sheriff Keith Boyd. This guy thought it would be a really great idea to provide every gruesome detail of Robin Williams’ suicide. In a city the size of San Francisco, surely he could find better ways to get his fifteen minutes of fame. Thanks for the nightmares, Sheriff B. Nanoo Nanoo—NO!
7. Bill Cosby. What a disappointment! Allegedly (my lawyer made me add this), he’s been serving more than Jello pudding these past several decades. According to several women (with the list seemingly growing on a weekly basis), he drugged and raped them. If true, I hope the statute of limitations doesn’t save him. Dr. Cliff Huxstable would have a lot of wise fatherly things to say about Bill Cosby and none of them would be good.
6. Ferguson Thugs. What a loser group of people to riot and loot and destroy businesses because they don’t like the fact that a cop wasn’t indicted for defending himself against a violent criminal wanted for theft. I’ve got news for them. If I hit a police officer and grabbed his gun (even if I was just kidding around) I don’t think I’d be too surprised if something bad happened to me. And I’m so white they’d need a heat seeking missile to find me in a snowstorm. Someone needs to tell these people that mob rule doesn’t work in America.
5. Vladimir Putin. Just when you think Vladimir couldn’t possibly do anything worse than he did the year before, he comes up with something even bigger to make the list. It’s almost like he’s trying to be included. This year the comrade left little doubt that he’s pushing for a big communism comeback by wreaking havoc throughout the world. Unfortunately, we’re not doing a lot to stop him.
4. Bill de Blasio. Ugh. The coming of David Dinkins Part 2 is an absolute insult to the greatest city in the world. The list of his “accomplishments” warranting this honor is so long I’ll have to just hit the highlights. Let’s see. Giving away opera tickets to illegal aliens and taking away stop and frisk from the police is just a taste of what he’s offered so far. But what put him over the top for this honor is his determined terrorizing of poor hard working horse and carriage drivers in favor of his cronies in the taxi business.
3. Bowe Bergdahl. If Benedict Arnold were alive today, he could play Bergdahl in a biopic of his life. Bergdahl’s fellow soldiers tell detailed accounts of how Bergdahl deserted them and put their lives in danger. In the end, he weakened the country he swore to serve. I retract my earlier sentence. Even Benedict Arnold wouldn’t go near this role. He was too much of a patriot for that.
2. Illegal Aliens. How pathetic to come to our beloved country illegally and then demand a pathway to citizenship. All the while, they’ve abused our school and health systems. Such disrespect for America should be “rewarded” with a trip on the Adios Amigos Express back to wherever they came from.
1. President Obama. I used to say he was arguably the worst president we’ve ever had in our history. I guess he didn’t like that because clearly he’s worked hard this year to at least get the word “arguably” out of that sentence. Every year the list grows longer of why he earns the number one spot. Let’s see. Treating illegal aliens better than our veterans, standing by while terrorists create their own state, and continuing to bring down the healthcare system are just a few of this year’s “achievements.” Like every year, he continues to prove how much he hates capitalism by making French President Francois Hollande look like the bastard child of Ronald Reagan and Milton Friedman. Just when you think he can’t do anything worse than what he’s done before he follows up an announcement of the beheading of an American citizen with a round of golf. Clearly, the 2016 election can’t come soon enough. Unfortunately, in the meantime, we still have the 2015 list. I’m almost positive he’ll still be on it.
So try and have a happy turkey day even if you didn’t make the list but wish you did.
Remember, there’s always next year and know that I’ll be watching (yes, even you, Edward Snowden and the NSA).