Being back in Los Angeles, it didn’t take me too long to come up with this list which the Chamber of Commerce likely won’t be publishing anytime soon:
9. People can’t drive. The world’s worst drivers are here. And when it rains? Forget about it. Everyone thinks it’s the Apocalypse and can barely function at all. Good thing it doesn’t snow here. That’s the only thing I can imagine that could possibly be worse.
8. There is only one season. Following up on #9, I can vouch that the song “It Never Rains in Southern California” is pretty close to true. A change of seasons is always welcome in my book and in LA there isn’t much change. A winter blast here means you need a light sweater. In February, most of the rest of the country is dealing with some winter doldrums, but there is always a bright spot and it’s that when spring arrives you can totally embrace how wonderful it is. Personally, being as fair as Snow White means I go around feeling like a vampire all day waiting for the sun to diminish so people won’t squint form the glare as they walk past me.
7. Everything here closes down at 10 pm. I don’t understand this. Even in Indiana, things stay open later. And in New York City you can do anything any time. Not here—it’s dead by 9 pm and everything shuts down from 10-6.
6. Nobody cares or even knows what’s really going on politically unless there’s an environmental rally or a whale in distress somewhere in the world. I’m sure most people here still have no idea that Justice Scalia died. The only thing they’d probably understand is that my husband Paul would be the perfect person to play Scalia if there’s ever a movie made of his life. Casting is something they totally comprehend.
5. The stench of pot is everywhere. Way too many people here smoke pot. Since it’s supposed to be for medical use in California you can only figure that there are LOTS of sick people around here. Personally, I don’t care if you shoot up or pop pills all day long, but I do mind walking through your marijuana cloud. It’s a daily occurrence. You’re not even entirely safe in your own home. Sometimes you can smell it indoors as well.
4. Walking is forbidden. I try to walk and everyone looks at me like I’m a homeless person. That’s because everyone drives—badly of course (again see #9). And they don’t drive just anything. Oh no. It’s all Mercedes and BMWs. If you don’t have some sort of luxury car, they treat you like a Leper. I proudly drive my American made Ford Explorer and as far as I’m concerned they can all just deal with it. USA! USA! USA!
3. Way too many homeless people are out roaming the streets. Actor Pauley Perrette was attacked not once but twice by two different homeless guys. You can’t walk around LA without staying on the defense because you might get attacked. Most of the homeless are clearly crazy which makes them dangerous. Come to think of it maybe that explains all the driving.
2. It’s all about style and not substance. I love a great hat and shoes, but I think it’s sad that I’m not sure anyone here really cares about the presidential election, Wall Street, or the Supreme Court situation. Maybe they don’t know or care because they think there’s only one political party in this country and they couldn’t do anything about it anyway. I’ll be nice here and give them the benefit of the doubt on this one.
1. Worse than lack of substance, people are just stupid, rude, and lazy. I wish it was a joke, but I think it takes a full court press to find the decent people in La La Land. I’ve met a few good folks, but the majority so far have been subpar. In New York and the Midwest, people say what they mean. In LA, people are so fake they forget what they’re saying, but they don’t get away with it. You always know what they’re up to.
Hey, the fallback here is that the weather is always great (making #8 easier to deal with), so I can handle all the above on this February day.
Surfs up, dude.
Have a radical day!