“The Spitz” Really Sucks (Except at Being the Modern Day Caligula)

January 7th, 2014

Well, it’s official.

Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer may have just passed up Anthony Weiner, Rob Ford, and that loser former mayor of San Diego.  According to the New York Post, Spitzer was spotted with his newest love interest (if he truly can love anyone other than himself), Lis Smith, at the Montego Bay resort in Jamaica sucking on her toes in the public hot tub.  Mind you, Spitzer just announced his pending divorce from his long suffering wife of many years. To make matters worse, Ms. Smith was allegedly topless and the two were reportedly spotted by a traumatized ten-year-old.

So just when you think Spitzer has finally reached his limit of loserdom, he tops himself.  Who thought it was possible? Black socks, money laundering, crazy priced hookers, bad Dad, horrible husband . . . could it possibly have gotten any worse? Evidently, the answer is a resounding “yes!”

Spitzer and Smitty should actually look into reality TV.  They seem perfect for it.

Hey, before I get “mail” (I’m still hearing from fat people), let me be clear.  I firmly believe that people can do whatever they want in their private lives, but Spitzer seems to want to inflict his sicko habits on other people.  The woman who said he was too rough to the point of being dangerous, public sexcapades, and running for NYC Comptroller when he knew the whole campaign would put his family through Hell all point to a man with absolutely no moral or ethical compass.  Zero.  Some people argue that a public figure can be a whack job or sicko as long as he does his job well.  In Spitzer’s case, you have to argue that he didn’t even do that.  Prosecuting people as Attorney General when you are breaking laws yourself is proof enough of that.

Caligula would have been proud. In case you don’t remember, he’s the Roman emperor best known for his decadence and debauchery.  That would be with a capital “D.”  He slept with other men’s wives, possibly a few animals, and killed people just for his own amusement. Reportedly, he once grew bored in the Coliseum after discovering that they’d run out of slaves to murder.  Instead, he ordered that a section of the crowd “participate” by subbing in for the afternoon slaughter.

Granted, Spitzer isn’t that bad.  These days the only thing a section of a sports crowd does together is win free tacos after some poor slob sitting among them successfully answers music trivia between quarters or dunks a basketball blindfolded.  No one (thankfully) is quite as bad as Caligula.

But for 2014 in the supposedly civilized U.S.A.?  Spitzer is one of the closest modern comparisons we have.

Fortunately, the people of New York City wisely refrained from giving him power over the public purse.  No telling what he might have done.

We know that Capitol Hill and Wall Street are full of Spitzers.  Thankfully, we just don’t know all of them and the extent of their Spitzeritis.

The good news in all of this is that with technology and social media we are much more likely to catch the Caligula wanna bes.  Unfortunately, in order to do that we sometimes see their packages, toe sucking, and debauchery worthy of Dante’s den.

Better get used to it because we are in a modern day Coliseum of a different kind.  Back in Roman times, people loved to watch people being torn apart by lions.  Now we see everything imaginable via Twitter and bloggers. It’s all like a grisly accident on the side of the road.  It’s disturbing yet we can’t stop looking.

People like Spitzer have been around since the beginning of time.  Sadly, now more than ever we are forced to share in the Spitzerpalooza because it’s everywhere.  Whether it’s good or bad is a matter of personal preference. One thing is certain. This modern day Coliseum and modern day Caligulas are here to stay.