Since When Did Oscar Get So Hairy?

February 25th, 2013

I hate facial hair.

It’s so unkempt and caveman.  It’s one thing for a guy to let it go a couple of days over a weekend while doing yard work or just hanging out relaxing.  But that’s it. Period.

So why would a good looking guy bother to put on a tux and appear at the most glamorous annual event, the Oscars, looking like he was just rescued off a desert island.  Yuck!

This year, Ben Affleck, George Clooney, and Bradley Cooper, all of them real hunks, looked much less hunky by covering up their handsome faces with whiskers.  We aren’t talking five o’clock shadow either.  These were full blown lumberjack beards.  Unless they’re all currently filming westerns and need to sport all the facial hair for the role, there was absolutely no excuse for it. A few more days and together they could sub for ZZ Top.  If their goal was to look as bad as they could, they made it.

In case you haven’t guessed it, I would never date a guy with a beard.  Kisses with hair?  Ugh!  No thanks.  Mustaches are out, too.  They’re always cheesy looking. Unless you’re a 70’s porn star and trying to maintain the look, they’re totally out.  Also, no Fu Manchu thing, goatee, mutton chops . . . nothing!

I also hate those bald guys who figure that if they have hair somewhere above the neck, facial hair will make up for the follicle deficit on top.  News flash.  It doesn’t.

It’s also hard to eat with a bearded guy because it’s inevitable that Grizzly Adams will get a piece of cheese or bread crumb trapped in that rats nest. Gross!

And if you’re fat?  The beard adds five pounds.  It also makes a guy look old.  Think about it.  Most famous bearded guys are old—Santa Claus and Father Time top the list.

Since beards make guys look fatter, older, sloppier, and all around less attractive, why would a guy want one?  I guess if you’re already a lost cause, well, that’s your choice.  But if you’re a good looking guy and you somehow think this is sexy.  Think again.

So all you grizzled scruffy old messy Neanderthal men who don’t get that you’re driving off a majority of available woman with your disgusting appearance, get thee to a barber or buy yourself a really good razor and a can of Edge.

Ben Affleck is actually a very handsome guy.  I met him once.  I wonder if he’ll ever regret someday all those Oscar pictures of his big night with that awful beard.

So who came out on top last night?

Seth MacFarlane, definitely.  He did an extraordinary job.  It was the best Oscars award ceremony in years.  While his jokes were slightly dirty, that’s okay because his face and look was so clean.


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