Our annual big day of love is fast approaching so plans must be made and quick! The top romantic spots are already filling up fast if not already unavailable. I can’t really help you there because time wise you’ve already sort of blown it. What I can do, however, as a public service is warn all the guys out there what not do to on Valentine’s Day.
9. Do not give one of those lame Vermont Teddy Bears that they advertise ad nauseam on television. Not only will your girl absolutely not appreciate it, but you’ll get so much grief about it that you’ll want to join the bear in hibernation. It shouldn’t be too difficult because that will be your only bedtime companion the rest of the winter.
8. Don’t go to CVS at the last minute and buy a heart shaped box of candy and a small stuffed animal. That gift screams, “Oh no! I forgot its Valentine’s Day.” Trust me, you will be punished for this infraction and honestly, you’ll deserve it.
7. Don’t buy her a vacuum cleaner, toaster, or any sort of appliance. This is a general gift giving recommendation. It’s never a good idea to give these gifts to a woman, Valentine’s Day or not. You want her to know you love her, not that you appreciate what a great maid she is and want to help ease her load.
6. Forget arranging some group activity like bowling or taking the kids to Chuck E Cheese. This is a day to celebrate romance. The only way the kids should be involved is when you drop them off at Grandma’s house before the big evening.
5. Don’t plan a regular dinner and a movie. Plan man! Find out what special events restaurants are doing. Valentine’s Day is the Super Bowl for restaurants. Many of them do prix fix menus and decorate for the occasion. Even if she ordinarily loves Sizzler and the dollar theater don’t go there. Otherwise the movie playing in your bedroom when you get home will be Night of the Living Dead instead of Body Heat.
4. No sports! Do what she wants not what you want. Even if she insists you take her to the ballet, do it. You’ll live. There will be plenty of sports to watch on ESPN the next day so you can quickly erase the vision of the guy in the tights jumping around out of your mind and replace it with pictures of sweaty guys in shorts running around.
3. Don’t show up at a restaurant without a reservation. This is the busiest night of the year. In fact, you’re probably already too late. Quit reading this and run to the phone right now! Trust me, if you’re wife gets all dressed up thinking she’s going to some awesome dinner and she gets there only to find out you didn’t make a reservation, your goose is already cooked so badly that authorities will need dental records to identify you later.
2. Don’t buy her clothes. Trust me, you don’t know what she wants and you’ll screw it up. Also, if she casually mentions she might like clothes, it’s probably a trap. Do not fall for this! It’s a test to see if you know her size. You cannot win on this one. Jewelry or a trip is a much better option. Flowers are kind of lame, but at least they’re more traditional so she can’t totally rag on you for going that route. But if you buy her pants that are so tight they cut off her circulation or so big that they look like Omar the tentmaker made them, you’re history! Think about it.
1. DON”T FORGET VALENTINE”S DAY!!! If you do, you will be cursed for the remainder of the year. Go write reminders down everywhere you usually go right now.
I must say I feel pretty good having done my humanitarian good deed of the day by warning all you clueless saps out there who think that soap on a rope is a great gift about the pitfalls of a Valentine’s Day disaster.
Now that you have all the tools you need, here’s my final piece of advice.
Be a Romeo and not a Jerko.
Thanks to me you now have all the tools to make that happen.