Fat Asses are Here to Stay—Break Out the Cronuts and Waffle Tacos!

August 7th, 2013

Cronuts are all the rage now.  People are waiting in long lines for hours just for a taste of this croissant and doughnut hybrid.  There are numerous news reports describing this fast food fad and this calorie laden gem is being featured on early morning and late night television.  Politicians pay a flat fortune (or completely humiliate themselves) to get this kind of attention.

For whatever reason, our country is obsessed with food.  The United States is the second fattest nation in the world only trailing Mexico in that distinction.  I totally get Mexico because they have Mexican food which is incredibly delicious.

Americans, however, go for junk food to garner their girth.  And not just run of the mill junk food either.  We go for the nastiest most disgusting food on the planet.

The latest concoction in this distinguished category is Taco Bell’s waffle taco. Never in a million years would our friends from across the border put one of these things in their mouths.  They’d rather drink a Big Gulp size serving of jalapeno juice instead.

Personally, I can’t even look at a picture of one of these things.  I guess it’s a taco wrapped in a waffle.  Some Southern restaurants are building their entire brand around fried chicken and waffles, so I won’t be surprised if Kentucky Fried Chicken gets in the act at some point, too.

I’m baffled by all of this.  Could someone please explain these hybrid foods from Hell? I just don’t get it. Still, people here just go crazy for this stuff.

One of the best places to pick up hybrid fried food is the State Fair.  It’s such a national phenomenon that I think there would be a riot if any State Fair in the country chose to ban these items.  The Indiana State Fair is notorious for them.  It seems anything can be fried these days—Oreos, Twinkies (thankfully they’re making a comeback in time to be dipped in hot oil from coast to coast), and even Coke and ice cream.  Yes, they’ve even figured out how to fry Coke.

French fries are another new rage when it comes to packing your arteries with fat.  No longer can you simply eat a French fry with ketchup.  Now you need to cover them with cheese, chili, onions, and jalapenos.  Clothing stores catering to “plus” sized people just love these foods.  I don’t want to seem like a conspiracy theorist here, but I wouldn’t be surprised if these establishments were the “brains” behind these fry recipes.

Let’s also not forget the pink slime that McDonalds turns into what they call food. Evidently, pink slime is some form of beef product washed in ammonium peroxide to make it remotely palatable.  Yum. Thankfully, they’ve been forced to abandon that practice.

In this country, we also love to super-size everything. It’s funny because even what we consider a normal portion is huge by the standards of every other country in the world.  Travel to Europe and you first suspect that they’re either trying to rip you off or starve you to death.  They’re not.  They just don’t eat like their getting ready to hibernate for the winter like we do.

I don’t think we should resort to soda bans like Mayor Bloomberg tried to impose.  Still, I don’t think it would be the worst idea in the world for us to try to self-regulate our eating.  For instance, we could each adopt a one day a week policy where we each really pig out on all kinds of junk.  How does Fat Friday sound?

I’m all about live and let live so I’m not going to judge.  Still, don’t complain when you’re stuck driving a scooter everywhere having your fried bologna and red pop when you could be enjoying a nice walk in the park or riding a ride in an amusement park because you actually fit in the seat.

This isn’t meant to knock the U.S.A.  We’re still absolutely the best country in the world.  Let’s just try not to be the biggest, too.