Bob Costas Wins “Ball Kicker Award”

December 3rd, 2012

The tragic murder/suicide of Kansas City Chief’s linebacker Javon Belcher and his girlfriend was no time for anyone to get on a soapbox and spew political opinions.  Sadly, you’d expect that sort of crass behavior from politicians, but at least their job description is “politics.” What I didn’t expect was to hear it from BOB COSTAS!!!

Watching the Dallas Cowboys and Philadelphia Eagles play football is painful enough these days without being subjected to a halftime rant by none other than NBC sportscaster Bob Costas about gun control.  Imagine my reaction last night when, as I sat enjoying my tequila and heating up my halftime nachos, here comes pretty boy Bob lecturing me and the rest of America about gun control.  Because of that, I’m hereby announcing my “Ball Kicker Award” and making Mr. Costas my first recipient.

Here’s the official letter I’ll be sending along with the award:

Dear Bob:

I am pleased to inform you that you are the first ever recipient of my Ball Kicker Award.  What an accomplishment!  You beat out many other worthy possible recipients.  What’s particularly impressive is how you came out of nowhere to win it.  Who knew you’re an expert on the Second Amendment?  It kind of makes sense though.  I never really saw you as a sportscaster and now that you’ve managed to offend most of your audience, I guess you’ll be looking to move on to bigger things.  How did you offend them?  Well, for starters, most Joe Six Pack football fans also own about six guns so you’d think you’d know your audience.  At least when Marv Albert decided to do something stupid, he mostly offended women.  You managed to target (sorry for the pun) a broad range (sorry again) of football fans.

While I’m giving you this award, I want to be clear that it’s not because I agree with you.  I believe that we should protect the 2nd Amendment and that people are ultimately responsible for their own actions.  We’ve become a society where we always make some excuse for our bad behavior.  In your case, you decided to take the opportunity to blame the gun and not Javon Belcher himself for his horrible acts. Personally, I think that’s terribly misguided. It ‘s the wackos in our society that are our problem, not the guns.

You said last night that if Javon Belcher didn’t have a gun, he and his girlfriend might be here today.  Did it ever occur to you that if she’d had a gun to defend herself, perhaps she might not have become a victim of such a tragedy?

A few people are suggesting that your attack on guns is related to a Napoleonic Complex.  If that’s the case, may I suggest that you pick up a biography on Napoleon. It turns out he overcame many of his little man issues by perfecting his artillery skills.  Again, I don’t know if any of this is true. Someone told me that the average rifle is taller than you are, so it would make some sense.

Whenever you’re showing off your award in the future, you may be asked where the name “Ball Kicker Award” comes from.  Interestingly, it comes from the mode of defense women like me will be forced to resort to if our fundamental right to bear arms is further restricted.  As a resident of New York City, I’m not permitted to own or carry a gun.  Consequently, I’ve become very adept at this effective form of self defense.  I expect other women in my situation will be following my lead.

Based on your “speech” last night, it appears you’re considering running for something soon.  Although you are receiving my award, please know you will never get my vote.

Sincerely,

Dee Dee Sorvino

 

 

 

 



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2 Comments

  1. chris
    Posted Dec 03 2012 at 2:12 pm | Permalink

    You are a fine writer. I smiled as I read this piece. If Bob has any ‘balls’ he will call you to thank you, personally.

  2. Michael Gonder
    Posted Dec 03 2012 at 2:15 pm | Permalink

    Touche’!