I’ve heard and read so much this year about “fairness” that I’m getting kind of tired of it.
That doesn’t mean it’s not important because it is. One particular issue of fairness is especially noticeable this time of year, and it screams out at anyone who visits my house from Thanksgiving to New Year’s Day.
It’s not fair that I’m no Martha Stewart. I know I’m not alone. Thousands if not millions of us suffer the inability to do even the most fundamental form of decorating and Christmastime highlights this inequality more than any other time of year.
My Christmas tree is a prime example.
Actually, I have two trees. One tree is for all the kid oriented cute little ornaments and it sits in our family room. Our other tree is for all the overpriced glass ornaments I’ve collected through the years. Every Christmas, my children promise to help decorate these trees. This never happens which leaves me alone to do the job. The only good thing about their lack of effort in helping is that they thereafter have no room to complain about the end result.
I’ve observed that some people have a natural knack for placing ornaments and lights in a way that just warms your heart and gives you a holiday feeling the moment you see the finished product.
My trees make Charlie Brown’s tree look like something created for the cover of Better Homes & Gardens.
For example, last night I spent a good hour perched on a ladder trying to get the angel on top of my “fancy” tree just right. It didn’t matter what I tried the result was the same. That poor woman looked like she’d knocked down a few Whiskey Sours before climbing up there. I’m still trying to fix it this morning and no matter what I try, she leans so far one way or the other that I’m afraid to invite a police officer over for a cup of hot cocoa and a little Christmas cheer for fear he’ll give her a breathalyzer test and throw her in the back of the squad car.
I also have one of those cool looking villages with neat looking buildings all lit up, “snow” on the ground, and characters moving about in fun Christmas related activities.
This would be wonderful if I could get the roads straight and the streetlights upright. I’ve been to some homes where these same little villages look so inviting that you just want to move right in.
My village looks like a place in need of FEMA assistance. I’m waiting for Department 56 to sell a little Red Cross ambulance that I can park on one of those crooked little roads I’ve built.
Wrapping gifts is where my lack of talent really shines through. This doesn’t just apply to Christmas. This lack of decorating skill is featured at every birthday, baby shower, or anniversary.
It shouldn’t be difficult to stick some paper around a box, hold it together with tape, and affix a bow on top. It shouldn’t be, but for me, it is.
I thought for a while I could hide my inability in this area by purchasing one of those cute Hallmark bags, throwing some brightly colored tissue paper in it with the gift, and tying the top with a bow.
That turned out to be a bigger disaster. By the time I was finished, the entire thing looked like I’d run over it with my car or that I’d been drinking with my Christmas tree angel while wrapping gifts. I’ve since sworn off wrapping presents in this fashion. A gift from me now comes in a box. The wrapping paper around that box may either be way too big or not entirely big enough, but if you want what’s inside, that’s how you’re getting it.
Sadly, this is one area of “fairness” that even Congress can’t address.
Then again, maybe they can.
Every year, the White House is decorated at taxpayer expense by disgusting show offs with professional decorating talent. Every tree looks perfect, and I’m sure all the gifts look so great that no one wants to find out what’s inside them.
It’s a little late, but I think next year, in the interest of “fairness,” Michelle Obama should decorate the entire place herself. Let’s see what she can do. Maybe she’s another Martha Stewart and if so, good for her. Then again, maybe she’s just like me.
I think it’s only fair that we find out.